Updates
Once again, when I need it most, I cannot sleep.
I wish I had copious updates. I really have none. I’ve been fastidious with my rehab and exercises, and haven’t missed one day or one exercise planned. I’d not say that’s much with which to be impressed – it is barely a fraction of the time investment and commitment I am used to.
I’m uncertain WHAT I am supposed to feel, what improvements are to be expected, or how much better I should be feeling. Some days I think the back is feeling better, but most days everything is status quo. I guess that’s good – but when I realize how little I’m doing it begs the question: “What would happen if I did more?”
If barely nothing = status quo… would more movement = worse?
Likely so. *sigh*
Harder still isn’t my inability to train for triathlon. Mostly I hate being unable to participate in anything which requires motion. My friend Doreen invited me to join her flag football team. Of course, doctors prohibited my play. Yet another thing I cannot do.
It is what it is. Truly. All I can do is work to improve it, manage the things that are in my control, and try to find some purpose to the other 23 hours of the day when not doing rehabilitation exercises. I don’t mean earn a living – I mean find purpose. I’ve learned this distinct difference. When you have no purpose, even wealth makes no difference.
My friend, Rachel Sears (rachelsears.blogspot.com), has been battling such worse back issues than I will ever know. I do not complain around her. A recent entry in her blog caught my eye and i called her to chat about it:
“If you run, race, do triathlons etc, I would encourage you to censor your whining. As I tell myself, ‘get over yourself.’ Be happy you can ambulate. If you choose to do so, be happy you can train. Be grateful you can race. Don’t minimize, compare or diminish your athletic pursuits because you think you can do better. If that is the case, do better. Don’t talk about it what you should do, could do or would do. Just do and do it quietly. Be sensitive to those around you who might not be able to do what you do…”
Triathlon is certainly NOT the end all, be all. I would like to return to the sport because I don’t think I am done yet. I think this old bod still has one last good shot in her. My sadness in this case is because I also cannot enjoy basic activity. Any souls who cherish physical movement as a part of mental and physical wellness can appreciate what a sedate lifestyle would do. In basic physics we all learned: “A body at rest stays at rest.” A body at rest will remain in the same state unless unbalanced forces act upon it. This lack of change is also known as inertia. Or, the hamster wheel.
At the end of each day, I compose a list of duties I must accomplish for the following day. And now at the conclusion of this brief list is simply “Be Happy.”
Until my next entry, I will vest in my ethic of perseverance.
Carole, thanks for the updates. I too make a list of things I must accomplish the next day…never have I added anything like “be happy” at the end. I love that you do that. I will have to start.
I am thinking about you, girl–take care and see you soon. Kristy
thanks for a great post. I can very much relate to a lot of the things you say. Although back problems do run in my family I have been lucky not to have been demobilized by them from more then a pinched nerve but I have been hit much harder by mental illness of anxiety and depression which has been, I would say, more debilitatingcheers. Rice
thanks for posting, carole. a great thought to keep in mind. sometimes it is hard to remember to be grateful for the small things. (btw — mike’s EXHAUSTED from the drills you gave him!)hope your improvement continues.
Hang in there! Great quote. Triathlon is not the end all and be all but it can enrich our lives. And being active keeps our minds, bodies, and souls healthy. Being injured just sucks. Period. Hope you feel better soon!